It’s very rare I comment on, promote or publish travel hacks, not because I don’t love the idea of sneaking on some additional hand luggage or blagging a row to myself, but because most travel hacks are just so completely ridiculous.

I feel like we’ve now reached peak viral ‘travel hack’ madness, so I thought I’d unpack my resentment and unasked-for opinions on the some of the most popular.

Booking Around The Middle Seat

If you don’t know this hack, the idea is to book a window and an aisle seat as a couple, leaving the middle seat free with the expectation that nobody else would choose to book a middle seat, or if the plane is full, they’d be more than happy to swap for one of the other two seats.

This hack is so completely nonsensical, not least because airlines globally post-pandemic have generally never been more bursting at the seams, so the chances you’ll keep a free seat in the first place is next to zero. So now you’re almost guaranteed an awkward conversation with someone who at best, might agree to sit in the seat of their choosing (window or aisle, and if it’s the aisle, then both of you have to ask someone else to get out), and at worst, will refuse to budge and insist on sitting in their specified middle seat.

I hate this hack so much, particularly as someone who often used to travel solo, for the awkward conversation and feeling of guilt it imposes on the solo middle seat traveller.

Upgrade? Dress Nicely

The premise here is simple; be nice to the crew, and/or dress nicely for a premium cabin, and/or give the crew gifts, and/or use the words ‘revenue management’ to increase your odds of being upgraded.

Times I’ve been upgraded when I was attired in appreciable sartorial form? Zero, vs. the several times I’ve been upgraded in dress ranging from mediocre to backpacker horror. All have been by complete surprise – for both myself and the gate/lounge agent – the decision of some faceless software system somewhere designed to try and give me a taste (or re-taste) of the good life, that I might become a more profitable passenger in future.

Likewise, whilst I’ve never used the words ‘revenue management’, I’ve long ago concluded that if an upgrade hasn’t happened by the time I’m within touching distance of the plane, it’s not likely to happen.

Want a free upgrade? Join the airline’s frequent flyer program, book consciously onto busy flights, and prepare for many, many rounds of disappointment.

Good Booking Days

The idea behind this one is that Tuesday (or other days, but oddly it’s usually Tuesday, or Sunday) is apparently a good day to book and that’s when prices will be at their best.

I’ll tell you a few days I’ve booked on that have had the best fares available from the relevant airline fare buckets; Thursday, Fridays, Sundays, Mondays, and all the other days too.

Quite why an airline would lower prices for performant routes close to departure time, or vice-versa, when the departure is still far in the future, I’ve no idea – especially on this one particular day. I’d love to know if this was rooted in history, but it seems to bear absolutely no semblance to reality, nor serve any purpose other than convince a presumably small cohort of people to sit around on Tuesday mornings wondering why flights are the same price as yesterday, if not higher having refreshed the page multiple times.

For a good idea of when you’re getting a good deal and if it’s a good time to book, Google Flights does a great job of breaking out average fares for one-way and return flights. Or, if you want to get really serious, delve into ExpertFlyer or the KVS Availability Tool and watch your time disappear.

Click & Collect Toiletries

OK, this isn’t really a hack – I’m not sure what it is, and it seems particularly limited to Ireland and the UK, but the idea is that since you can’t take liquids on-board in quantities greater than 100ml, pre-book click & collect for your favourite toiletries and cosmetics in sizes exceeding that and collect them from whatever health and beauty shop there is after security.

I’ve seen this get so much traction online and I don’t get it – couldn’t the people that do this just pay for the smallest size check-in luggage, put their existing toiletries in that, and check it in? Isn’t that the solution to the problem? And what do you do with all these toiletries when it comes time for the return flight? I just don’t get it; hopefully someone can enlighten me.

What travel hacks have you heard that have made you want to cry? What should have been added to (or maybe removed from) the list? Let me know in the comments.

Next time round, I’ll be sharing some hacks that are not entirely terrible, but where your mileage absolutely may vary and for which I will be accepting no responsibility.